Iron Man - The Dr Pepper of Superheroes

Hi folks!
Just to prepare you, today I'm going to take the mickey out of pretty much every superhero apart from Iron Man. And this is why: Basically, I've been thinking long and hard about this, and I've deduced that if Iron Man had been released first in the 2000s 'wave' of Superhero movies, it would undoubtedly have been considered the best.
Take Spiderman, first of all. What kind of drugs must Peter Parker have been on when he designed the Spiderman suit? I mean...what kind of hero saves the world in blue and red pyjamas? And you gotta admit - Being bitten by a 'radioactive spider' which just HAPPENS to have escaped from its cage (The old "Hey, there's one missing - Aaaaagh!" Cliche)? Honestly, any sane people would keep their spiders locked away in some top-security vault. Can you even get radioactive spiders? And the films are all so depressing - His Dad gets beaten up by a random thug (Oh, did I mention? A random thug who just HAPPENS to be on the run in the third film and just HAPPENS to get into a top secret scientific testing facility and just HAPPENS to become part of an experiment which in real life they would probably have stopped straight away if they noticed even the slightest problem, and who then just HAPPENS not to die and just HAPPENS to become Sandman and just HAPPENS to get in a fight with Spiderman!), his flat's a mess (Grrr, I just want to go in there and tidy it up for him!), his aunt has no money, his ex-girlfriend ends up going out with his best friend who also happens to be a villain who then dies, and on top of all that a giant alien-bearing meteor just HAPPENS to land in the same park he HAPPENS to be in.
I'll admit, the Goblin was cool. If it was a film about the Green Goblin it would have been good. But it wasn't. It was a film about a guy in pyjamas. And no matter how much they say they've spent on it, no matter what colour the pyjamas are, no matter which highly-unrealistic villains thye choose, it will always be to me a film about a guy in pyjamas.
Mooooving on. Batman next. OK, Batman Begins wasn't as bad as Spidey. He had some cool gadgets and a funky suit and he could fly without looking camp, and it had Liam Neeson in it, which was cool. But it was just SO DEPRESSING! Spiderman looks like a fluffy pink ball of...fluff...compared to this. Just look at the themes - Drugs, prisoners, hallucinations, and a really depressing city as well - I'm surprised anyone's actually bothered to live in Gotham by the end of the movie. And surely "you burned my house down so I'm going to burn yours" isn't exactly the best message to be sending teenagers these days. And I haven't seen the Dark Knight, I'll admit, but there's been so much hype about it I almost don't want to. Just because they spent a billion trillion squidillion pounds on it, doesn't make it good. Just because it has a guy who's dead in it, doesn't make it good. I mean, don't get me wrong, it's a sad story, and I feel sorry for his family and all that, but at the end of the day, being dead doesn't make you any better an actor. I know, I haven't seen it, he may well be brilliant, but considering we're talking primarily in 'beginning movie' terms here, Batman still isn't as good.
Tick. Right...Superman. Ten reasons why the movie world does NOT need Superman. One - The only thing worse than saving the world in your pyjamas is...You guessed it, saving the world in pyjamas with pants over the top. 'Nuff said. Two - Lex Luther can't seriously be happy with living on a massive crystal. I mean, what's the point in having your own island if there's no-one there to dominate? And what would you eat?? Three - What a rubbish ending! Villain stranded on a tiny sandbar in the middle of nowhere? That's more like something out of Looney Tunes or Tom and Jerry than a worthy Superhero movie. Four - Considering he's an alien from a dead planet, he does look surprising human, doesn't he? Five - An ordinary plane (Which it clearly is, just painted differently) could never fly that high. Believe me. Six - Did I mention the pants and pyjamas combo? Seven - NO CAPES! Haven't they seen the Incredibles?? Eight - When you can hear the thoughts of the whole world, how do you pick out one police siren? Nine - Sleeping standing up can't be that comfortable, can it? And ten - I dunno, I lost my train of thought.
Anyway, the Hulk - Purple boxers. Need I say more? Fantastic 4 were good the first time around, I'll admit. The Incredibles were really awesome, but don't really count by way of 'serious' superheroes. Then there's Watchmen, which I haven't seen yet, but any superhero movie with a rating higher than 15 defeats what I believe is a vital criteria - the ability for the whole family to be able to view it. Who have I forgotten? Probably loads of similarly flawed movies. But not Iron Man.
Iron Man is at least as good as the first Spiderman. I maintain that, though it was quite formulaic, if it had come out first, it would undoubtedly have been a clear favourite. The suit is ten times cooler than anything else any superhero has worn; only batman comes close. I loved J.A.R.V.I.S., the computer, even if he was a bit unrealistic, no other superhero has as cool a gadget at his or her disposal. And the villain was quite believable as well - No 'radioactive spiders' or 'aliens from another planet', just clever engineering. And it's done in such a cool style as well. I mean, i know all superhero films are done in a very similar style, but it just looks so much cooler on Iron Man - There aren't any venomously bright colours, just toned-down maroon and gold. It really is a work of art.
Anyway, to explain the Dr Pepper analogy: If Dr Pepper had been released first, everyone would love it, but as it happens it was preceded by coke and lemonade, and so seems doomed to always be second best.

I hope my rambling hasn't bored you too much. Let me know what you think - I love getting your comments! Don't forget to tune in soon for The Choice. Now what could that be...?

See ya 'round!

Jack