Fail.

Hello, folks!
I've done a few light-hearted, laid-back posts lately, but I'm afraid today I'm going to put you through the grinder of another deep, emotional one. Sorry. But yeah, I'm having a few problems, and I wondered if you could help. It's a long shot, and chances are none of this will make sense to you, but if you can get your brain around what's going on here, I'd appreciate your comments. Thanks!

Okay, so... Recently, I haven't been myself. I've been getting more and more frustrated more and more frequently, at pretty much everyone and everything. Even my friends. I dunno, maybe it's some kind of overdue "grumpy teenager" phase, but I'm not proud of it. I try not to let it show, but if you do happen to be on the recieving end of my anger, I'm sorry - It's not your fault, it's me. Basically, after much thought and consideration, I've deduced that however much I've always wanted to be a hero and save the day, the truth is that I'm becoming a villain.
I guess knowing it's happening counts for something. Essentially, I just increasingly feel like I'm being upstaged, being forced to take a back seat. I'm just a drop in the ocean. For some people that's fine, and everyone's entitled to their own views. This is where the villainous part comes in though - I'm not happy with being normal. I want to be significant, I want to be the centre of attention, I want people to listen to me. I want to be the one who comes first, I want to get my way. It's not big, and it's not clever. Nevertheless, it's how I feel.
Sometimes, I'll hear people having a conversation, and maybe I'll join in, maybe I'll decide to express my view. But more often than not, I'm just talked over or given the cold shoulder. And fair enough; what gives me the right to butt into someone else's conversation? For some reason, no matter how much the little good bit of me says that, the villainous part never listens, always wants people to pay attention and hang on my every word. To use a good old Star Wars analogy, I guess I have a fear of becoming irrelevant and unimportant. Fear, as I've experienced myself, has led to anger. Anger leads to hate, hate leads to suffering... and that's the way of the Dark Side. I don't want to go that way, I don't want people to suffer because of my own selfishness, but whenever I agree with myself that it's OK to be unimportant, it's OK to be in the background, the Dark Side comes back with - "But who wants to be an extra, with no backstory? Who wants to be that random guy who walks down a street and is never seen again?" And so my reasoning achieves nothing.
Led me use an example. Say, for instance, there was a girl that I liked (theoretically speaking). And I'd dreamed up a whole future for her and I, travelling round the world, having kids, settling down in Canada, or wherever. But then, when I actually get round to talking to said girl, she turns round and says no, for whatever reason. The Dark Side would say "No, look, I've made a whole future for us. Let me show you my mind. You're more important to me than anything else, so it's only fair that you think the same of me." Of course, that would be completely the wrong thing to say, at least I can still identify that much. But I'm worried that one day the Dark Side will get completely out of control - what then? I don't want people to get hurt.
At least I know I'm going bad, that's a start. But knowing the problem and fixing the problem are two very different things. Short of becoming a monk or locking myself away for the rest of my life, I'm not sure how I can keep the Dark Side under control. I obviously could do it at some point in the past, because I was quiet, I didn't mind that I didn't talk to people. But whatever happened over the past five years or so (I'm still working it out myself), I've become more confident, and now I think I deserve to have everything my way. Which isn't good. So what do I do??

On a brighter note, It's half term soon and I'm going to France! Yay! First time travelling on my own - It'll be pretty nervewracking, but it'll be fun as well! I'm also glad I've got some extra time for my extended project; that was really bugging me. The teachers are certainly piling on the work for the break though; they wouldn't want me to actually have some free time now, would they? FlashForward continues to be brilliant. Last week's Sarah Jane was pretty awesome but this week's is a bit naf, to tell the truth. I think that's all I have to talk about this time, so until another flash of inspiration,

See ya 'round!

Jack