Jack Argent's "People Watching for Dummies"

Hey everyone.
I'm thoroughly aware that, for the "Diary of a People-Watcher", I haven't said a lot about people-watching. It's OK, it'll come. I was in Oxford the other day, but unfortunately I was too preoccupied with money and presents to get any people-watching in. But really, it's not the sort of thing that you can easily share. It's quite a solitary activity, not something you do as a club, or whatever. So, in the absence of my notes, go and do some of your own watching. Here are some guidlines to get you started:

1. Go in to your nearest busy town. For me, Cheltenham or Oxford are the best. Ideally go when something interesting's on, like a festival or a Christmas market. Yes, this'll mean the traffic's really rubbish, but you can betcha the people will be fascinating.
2. Find yourself a cafe or gastropub (they have the right ambience) with big, ceiling-to-floor windows facing out onto the high street. If these are upstairs, all the better. Here you can look down on people with less chance of them looking up and seeing you. Try to position yourself next to the windows, but near enough to a large-ish crowd so that you can pick up any juicy gossip which might be flying around. I find Starbucks' are the best for this, but beware of peak times. At around 11am and 3pm, virtually every seat will be full - believe me, I've been there. Surprisingly, a relatively large number of people will go elsewhere for their lunches, so lunch is a good time.
3. Make sure you grab a coffee or hot chocolate on your way in. A, you may be asked to leave if you don't buy anything, and B, they help you think. I usually find the Starbucks' Hazelnut Hot Choc does the trick, but different people have different preferences. Generally, a would advise hot drinks over cold, as the former give you a sense of comfort and relaxation, upping your patience metre and meaning you're less likely to leave.
4. OK, so now you're in the zone. Just a few warnings. One, don't get yourself into trouble. If you think a big strong builder will misinterpret your curiosity as giving him evils, you might want to move on to someone else, however fascinating he may be. It's OK to be a little risky from time to time, but only if you know you can get out of trouble. Two, don't people-watch people you know. You already know pretty much what they're like, and besides, you'll probably talk to them later on anyway. Three, don't hide behind a newspaper like people on movies do. In fact, unless you're planning to just listen, which is fine, drop the paper altogether. If you really do want to read about such gripping stories as The Credit Crunch and Chelsea's Latest Loss, fold up the paper to the bit you want and rest it on the table. Anything else looks way too artificial, and you could end up making a fool of yourself. Remeber, I've done it so that you don't have to.
5. OK, so watch. Look out for strange clothes and habits: why does that lady keep her hat covering her eyes? Why is that guy wearing such a big coat? It's like that bit from Hot Fuzz, when they're in the car, only not as...accusing...Look out for buskers, they're brilliant. The tunes and instruments they choose can tell a lot about their feelings. Someone playing Money Can't Buy Me Love would probably be happier/more upbeat than someone playing Summertime, for example. Look out for how people walk. If a guy was "promenading", however chhesy it may sound, one foot in front of another, he would probably be quite well-to-do, and you can cross-reference this with what he wears - Suit? Rolex? Polished shoes? Similarly, someone who ambles with hands in pockets would probably be a bit of a daydreamer - Messy hair? Old-fashioned coat or jacket? Not-quite-cool clothes? Tying all the elements together can help you deduce what one or two habits can't tell you.
6. Diaries are good fun to keep. Like this one! Be careful, though, this, too, can look too artificial. True, you could pass off as someone doing bogstandard work-planning, or if you have a laptop with you it's very easy to pretend to be someone catching up on work during their lunch hour. iTouches are the ideal piece of kit. You can take clean, readable notes at the time without need for a pen or waste of paper, and to everyone else it'll just look like you're browsing your music or playing a game. Obviously, not everyone can afford one just for people-watching, so an old piece of paper, a corner of the news, would be ideal with a tatty pencil. Or you could simply make mental notes and write up when you get home. Of course you then risk forgetting these notes, but it's worth a try.
7. Listening is also a good skill. Listen out for buzz-words. "Love" is a good one. "Government" another. Most people tend to get turned off if they pick up "business talk", but stay with it - it could be a particularly interesting type of business. And who knows, you might find out something important. After all, if the government can leave a laptop full of files on a train, they can just as easily let slip a word or two in the street. Not everything you hear has to be important; the trick is picking the interesting conversations from the tumult of noise.
8. Not much else I can say here. But people-watching is by no means limited to cafes and gastropubs. You can do it anywhere there's a crowd. In the street, in shops, at parties, on buses, even on the road. This works especially well if you have a tinted window! In addition, other hotspots are malls, italian-esque plazas, airports and concerts.

So there you go. the jack Argent guide to People-Watching for Dummies. Now get out there and find your own crowds, this one's taken!

Jack